Saturday, February 7, 2009

FREE MONEY!

Eastern Illinois (-15.5) vs. SEMO
***SEMO's top player, Calvin Williams, has been dismissed from the basketball team "because of a violation of athletic department policy. University personnel will have no further comment."***

Williams was SEMO's best player by far. This leaves SEMO with 7 scholarship players and one of them has a fractured foot and a broken nose. EIU won the last two meeting by 20 points, both at SEMO. I'm all on this game like a Snuggie. (8 units)

Gonzaga (-5) vs. Memphis
College Gameday in Spokane. Memphis traveling cross country. Gonzaga is the better team. I've never liked Memphis. Well, Memphis basketball. The barbeque is phenominal. (2 units)

Tennessee (-3) at Auburn
The Vols can't afford to lose this one. They're still the best team in the SEC and they're starting to play like it. I just don't see Auburn keeping this one close. But, I also didn't see that the girl from The Vu last night was a tranny... until we got home. (2 units)

Miami FL (+14) at Duke
Miami is getting Duke at a good time here. I think it will be tough for the Blue Devils to respond with a 15 point win after that massacre at Clemson. Plus, Miami's guards are very physical while Scheyer, Paulus and the rest of the Dukies look like choir boys straight out of Neverland Ranch. McClinton always seems to shoot well in big games and they should keep this one close. Duke wins but not by double digits. (3 units)

Cincinnati (+10.5) at Georgetown
Georgetown has not impressed me all year. This line seems high considering Cincinnati is capable of scoring on anyone. They had a bad offensive performance in an ugly loss to Nova but other than that, they are on a roll. Oh, and not to mention that they won by 8 earlier this season against the Hoyas. Go (Bear)Cats. (4 units)

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Phil Ivey Officially Hates James Harrison

Remember Phil Ivey's big bet that I wrote about before the Super Bowl? Well, it's bad. It's real bad. There is a bad beat and then there is this... Ya ready? Phil Ivey bet $800,000 on the Cardinals +3.5 in the first half. If you didn't just say holy shit aloud to yourself, let me recap the situation. The Cardinals were down 10-7 with the ball at their own goal line with 10 seconds left in the first half. At this point, I would assume that Ivey was on the phone with the local Maserati dealership. Then, James Harrison returns an interception 100 yards as the half ends, to make the halftime score 17-7. At this point, I would assume that Phil Ivey cursed Jesus, flipped over the snack table, ran his hands across his face, continued to curse Jesus, and possibly called his girlfriend, mother, sister, and Jesus a whore. This has to be the worst beat in sports gambling history. Luckily, Phil also put $800,000 on the Cardinals to cover the full game, so he broke even. But, I just can't imagine a fun-filled evening of 3D glasses and Bruce Springsteen at the Ivey household during halftime. I expect more of a prison rape type atmosphere.

Welcome To Madison Square Garden: No Defense Allowed

________
First, Kobe Bryant drops 61. Everyone called it the greatest performance at MSG...for one day. Then the very next game, Lebron comes through with an even more impressive triple double with 52 points, 10 boards, and 11 assists. I haven't seen performances like that since the Hitman's three point frenzy. So the question is, is Madison Square Garden slowly becoming the new whorehouse of the NBA? It seems like everyone is getting off. At least the Knicks catch a break in their next game against the, oh boy, Boston Celtics. We all know that Paul Pierce will attempt to score 50+ but I don't think he has it in him. I'm predicting 42 assists from Rondo.

I Just Can't Get Enough Andy Kennedy

Andy Kennedy will always have a soft spot in my heart and he will most likely end up in the H.G.H.R.H.O.F. (Horace Grant Halftime Report Hall Of Fame). Two of my first posts, "America! Fuck Yeah!" and "Assault, Why Jiddou That?" were instrumental in taking the Horace Grant Halftime Report from it's beginnings as a brand new site with essentially no personality or real content, to where it is today, a three month old site with essentially no personality or real content. With that being said, Andy Kennedy is back on the HGHR radar. The Cincinnati Enquirer has released the police cruiser video of Kennedy's arrest and it is full of quotes. Kennedy begs and pleads the officer to let him go because "it will cause a national scene" and "I'm an SEC coach." Officer Dontgiveashitwhoyouare threatens to tase Kennedy and informs him that he is aware the arrest could be newsworthy. "You think we’ve never arrested somebody that’s made national media?” he said. “We deal with the Bengals all the time.” I love it.


Check out the full story [Cincinnati.com]

Reason To Hate The Steelers #2278

After I finally accepted the fact (3 days later) that they are not going to review the final play (does it hurt to just look at it?), I find this nonsense....
Both feet are NOT down! Look at it! Holmes tucked his right foot under his left to create an illusion to all of the drunks watching the game. We got hosed! Roger Goodell, do the right thing. Replay the Super Bowl! Only this time, it should be the Arizona Cardinals vs. the Tennessee Titans. Make it happen.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Sorry For Partying

OH MY GOD!!!! NO WAY!!!! MICHAEL PHELPS HIT THE BONG!!!!!!
Michael Phelps is 23. Michael Phelps smoked weed, probably does it quite often and will probably continue to do so. I bet he has even done a line of blow off of a stripper's ass. Who gives a shit? It happens. Party on, Michael. Just like shaving, wearing Old Spice, checking out 17 year-old girls and buying a tool set, it is a part of becoming a man. While everyone worries about your endorsements, I only see it as an opportunity for new deals.

You're Not Cool Unless You Pee... On Matt Cassel?

Matt Cassel got pissed on. Those are the only five words needed to sum up this story and induce laughter. Gatecrasher has the rest...

The football star was in line for the bathroom at ESPN's Tampa Bay Super Bowl bash Friday night when a drunken reveler tried to cut in front of him. “Matt told him to wait his turn and headed into the urinals,” a spy tells us. Moments later, the fella barged in and proceeded to purposefully pee directly on Cassel’s leg. After security tossed the drunk, Cassel headed back out into the crowd, wet pants and all.

You're more of a man than me Matt Cassel. I don't know how you didn't break this guy's face. I will however, give you credit for continuing to party in wet pants though. That shows the will and determination that it takes to party.

Meet Your MVP: Santonio Holmes

Santonio Holmes is not your typical Super Bowl MVP, and I'm not saying that because he is a wide receiver. I'm saying that because he is... well, he is this....

"McLovin and Santonio Holmes Are BFF"
Santonio Holmes and McLovin from Superbad showed up together and did all interviews as a twosome. They said they met at a party earlier in the night and then left the party together. I'd love to hear that conversation.

McLovin says he first approached Holmes and told him he was a fan. Holmes appreciated McLovin's pot-smoking scene.
[NFL Fanhouse]

The Infamous Shower Photo
Many people are unaware that this photo exists. In fact, I wish that I was one of those people. This photo was taken by Ben Roethlisberger is all over the internet. I refuse to post the uncensored version. If you're that interested, it is easy to find. I, for one, do not recommend it. I have not taken a shower since.

He Used To Sell Weed
Troubled childhood. Poor family. Sold drugs to survive. Same sad, tragic story. Different celebrity. Whatever happened to part-time jobs?

He Was Busted With Weed...This Season
The interesting part of this story is the arresting officer praised Holmes for his cooperation and manners. He even suggests that the NFL and Steelers franchise take it easy on Holmes. I think somebody is a Steelers fan. He'd never last on the Cincinnati force.

He Was Also Arrested In 2006
An athlete arrested for disorderly conduct? Verbally abusive to a police officer? To the NFL this charge is no worse than a speeding ticket. Even for a rookie. We'll let this one slide.

Why Is Santonio So Fast? He Used To Club Rabbits. Seriously.
I wish I was making this one up, but quite frankly, I'm not that creative. Santonio's speed is credited to chasing rabbits as a child. Should we be surprised? We all know that animal cruelty and professional football go together like Stuart Scott and glass eyes.

'We'd punch them in the head, chop them in the back of their neck to kill them instantly,' Holmes said. 'We had no remorse for those rabbits. We were hunting, just like people out there surviving.'”

Pardon The Interruption

"Did I just see that???" Yes, Tucson, you did just see that. While most of America contend that Bud Light, Doritios, or even Cash4Gold.com had the best 30-second spot during the Super Bowl, Tucson, Arizona may nominate the 30 seconds of porn containing full frontal male nudity that interrupted the late fourth quarter Cardinal touchdown celebration. As Fitzgerald threw his arms in the air as he crossed the endzone, many viewers in the Tucson, AZ area threw their arms over their children's eyes. An error (alledgedly) in the Comcast broadcast caused a switch from NBC's Super Bowl coverage to Club Jenna's "18 'n' Up Wet Poon starring everyone's favorite baby arm holding an apple, Evan Stone. The clip was displayed for approximately 30 seconds before returning to the football game.

I don't know why everyone is so fired up about this. What about me? I am the real victim. I was enjoying a lonely, quiet Sunday night watching 18 'n' Up Wet Poon and was furious when it switched to 30 seconds of football coverage. I paid $19.99! Comcast, I expect a full refund or I am switching to the dish.


If you live under a rock and have never seen Evan Stone's work, or would just like to see the uncensored, NSFW video. Head on over to Fleshbot....

[Fleshbot - Porn Invades The Super Bowl] (18+)

I'm Going To Africa

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a rough week here at the Horace Grant Halftime Report. I apologize for the lack of posts (I know all six of you are disappointed) but I am having a Dave Chappelle moment. I'm suffering from writer's block and a lack of motivation. I have several drafts and lots of material to work with but I just can't seem to get it done. Maybe it's because I lost my job, maybe it's because I've been sick, who knows, it could be because Marisa Miller isn't returning my phone calls, but either way, my head is just not in it.

UPDATE:
I just found an orphan 40 oz. Steel Reserve in my refrigerator. Where did it come from? No clue. Why is it there? Destiny. This malt liquor (along with the fifth of Beam) are just what I need to get my swagger back. (Yes, I just said that.) Thank you, oh Hammurabi, God of alcohol. You might've just saved The Report. Check back tomorrow as I plan on making a comeback like Jordan wearing the 45.

Monday, February 2, 2009

The Greatest 4th Quarter Ever Played?

I don't have to recap the game for you. You saw it. And, like me, you were bored out of your mind for three quarters and then things got interesting. I'll be back soon with my insight on the game and some of it's storylines that don't involve football.