Friday, January 23, 2009

El Borracho's 2009 NFL Mock Draft (#1-10)

The 2009 NFL Draft is only three months away and everyone seems to think they have it figured out. I'm already tired of hearing Mel Kiper's analysis on the draft, so I thought to myself- if he can do it, why can't I? So, I decided to join in on the action. Here is the official HG Halftime Report 2009 NFL Mock Draft. It appears that I don't see it the same way Kiper does but I believe that I have some solid picks. Here are the first ten...

#1.) Detroit Lions: Willie Beaman - QB (Miami Sharks)
After taking over for the injured Jack Rooney, Willie Beaman proved to be a headcase for the Miami Sharks. Beaman caused tension between coaches and teammates, frequently changed the playcall, and even asked out the team owner's daughter. Then, late in the season, Beaman completely turned it around and became the team leader. Coach Tony D'Amato and injured Jack Rooney managed to channel Beaman's energy and convert him into a top-notch QB. The Lions are in desperate need for a playmaking quarterback and I believe that while in Detroit, Willie can "keep the ladies creamin' and the fans' screamin'. He's Willie Beaman..."

#2.) St. Louis Rams: Billy Bob - OT (West Canaan H.S.)
Steve Spagnuolo said in his introductory press conference that he wants to really emphasize the running game. Also, Orlando Pace is still under contract for three more years. I don't know if he'll last that long, but he'll at least be back for 2009. Billy Bob can fill that left side tackle spot alongside Pace next season. Billy Bob suffered a near career ending concussion last season but managed to play through the pain while blocking for all-state quarterback Lance Harbor and then backup Jonathon "Mox" Moxon.

#3.) Kansas City Chiefs: Shane Falco - QB (Washington Sentinels)
After a league-wide strike from contract negotiations sent first string QB Eddie Martel to the house, Falco revived his career that many were considering to be over. Prior to the resurgence, Falco was nicknamed "Footsteps" for his nervousness and fear of the blitz after his lackluster performance in the 1996 Sugar Bowl with Ohio State. But after stepping into the starting role under new coach Jimmy McGinty, Falco led the Sentinels to a championship season. Now that Pioli is in as GM in Kansas City, he needs a fresh face to step in to revive the Chiefs franchise. I think Shane Falco is just the man to do it. I just don't know where he can park that houseboat.

#4.) Seattle Seahawks: Rod Tidwell - WR (Arizona)
There is no doubt in Rod Tidwell's game. He will show you the endzone if you show him the money. This is an easy decision for Seattle right here. Bobby Engram, 36, will be hitting free agency. Deion Branch, who is always hurt, could be a cap casualty. Nate Burleson stinks and is coming off a torn ACL. The rest of the wideouts are terrible. If the Seahawks don't address the position, they can have fun struggling offensively next year. Or, they can just SHOW HIM THE MONEY!

#5.) Cleveland Browns: Earl Meggert - RB (Allenville Penitentiary)
Meggert has the speed and agility to be a franchise back in the NFL. Character issues are the only question mark. With the season that the Browns just had, new head coach Eric Mangini needs to roll the dice and draft this potential playmaker. Look out AFC North, here comes the boom (boom) y'all don't really want it now.

#6.) Cincinnati Bengals: Jimmy Dix - QB (Los Angeles Stallions)
With Carson Palmer's banged up knee, the Cincinnati quarterback situation is up in the air. I think Jimmy Dix is the perfect fit for the Bengals system. Dix has been out of the league on a four year suspension for gambling on his own team but he will be eligible for the 2009 season. After the recent death of his stripper girlfriend, Dix assisted in the investigation and claims that he has turned his life around. Do we believe him? No. He's a troublemaker. But, it's the Bengals. They still have Chris Henry on the roster.

#7.) Oakland Raiders: Becky "Icebox" O'Shea - ATH (Urbania, OH)
Becky O'Shea aka "The Icebox" is one of the few versatile players in this year's draft. She is a perfect fit for Oakland as she is just a hard nosed player with football in her blood. Her father Danny coached her Little Giants Peewee football squad to a win in the championship game over the powerhouse rival Cowboys, coached by Becky's heisman winner uncle, Kevin O'Shea. If Junior Floyd and "Hot Hands" are available later in the draft, could we see the "Annexation of Puerto Rico" in Oakland?

#8.) Jacksonville Jaguars: Bobby Boucher - LB (Louisiana Cougars)
The Jacksonville Jaguars defense is struggling. They were plagued by injury all season long and then came the infamous Mike Peterson/Jack Del Rio drama. Peterson is most likely on his way out, therefore, Boucher is on his way in. I don't see how they could go in any other direction if Boucher is still on the board here. The hard hitting linebacker is a perfect fit for the Del Rio system.

#9.) Green Bay Packers: Boobie Miles - RB (Permian H.S.)
A torn ACL that ended his senior year is the only thing holding Boobie Miles back from being the #1 overall pick of the draft. If he falls to #9, Green Bay will be all over him to compliment the already established passing offense. Miles was considered arrogant and cocky as a youngster but many believe that the injury has sparked Boobie's determination and focus.

#10.) San Francisco 49ers: Ronnie "Sunshine" Bass - QB (T.C. Williams)
The Mike Singletary era in San Fran officially begins in 2009 and what better way to start it off than by bringing in California native Ronnie Bass. Bass has the best arm out of all the movie quarterbacks and he is a pure pocket passer. Surround him with a good offensive line and lookout for a breakout rookie season as "Sunshine" will feel right at home in the Sunshine state.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

You've got to be kidding me

President Obama got his first taste of the White House press corp buzz saw during a meet and greet Thursday evening. When confronted with-holy shit -an actual question, Obama became tighter than Michael Vick's asshole in the shower room. President Obama stated publicly during the election that he would impose tougher regulations on lobbyists if elected. Super! Except for the fact that his nominee for Deputy Defense Secretary was A FUCKING LOBBYIST! No surprise here, another politician not worth his weight in shit. But what really gets my cock in a twist is how pissed off Obama gets when someone calls him out on it. What kind of an asshole reporter would dare point out such an obvious incongruity from someone who wouldn't shut the fuck up about change for eighteen months. But at least the President is into fisting, and that's something we can all be proud of in an elected official.

Icing Ankles, Taping Fingers, and Sucking Cock

It's official, I'm going back to high school. After the Perverted Awesomeness of Brittany Sumrall Johnson, I now introduce to you 23 year old Hope Jacoby. Jacoby, an athletic trainer at Tustin High School (Calif.), was arrested on suspicion of oral copulation of a minor and unlawful sex with a minor. This story originally broke out last month but I could not find it anywhere in me to believe it. Now, more details have surfaced as the trial has begun. According to police, "the two had sex in the defendant's car and at her San Jaun Capistrano home on several occassions between Jan 1 and Dec 19 of last year." It is reported that the boy was between 14 - 17 years old. It has not officially been reported that the boy messed up the best thing that will ever happen to him by running his mouth, but, I will go ahead and put that in writing. Unfortunately, the overly friendly athletic trainer is now facing 8 years in prison. What a shame. What a hot piece of shame.

[LA Times: Tustin High School Athletic Trainer Arrested On Sex Charges]

Did anyone's athletic trainer in high school look like this? Maybe I attended the wrong school. Thanks to the worldwide web, I just found a picture of my high school athletic trainer. I know that picture seems too funny to be real but that is 100% real. Could he look any creepier? Laugh it up. I'm pissed.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Putting The Go In Go Cats

To most of the bluegrass, Go Cats is just a phrase of support for the Kentucky Wildcats. To me it is a way of life, a valediction, and the name (one word- Gocats) of my first born child. To Paul Miller Ford of Lexington, it is the 2009 Rich Brooks Edition F-150. I never thought it was possible but I think someone has finally gone Cats just a little too far. Paul Miller is releasing three 2009 F-150 Crew Cab trucks to be sold as the Rich Brooks Edition. The vehicles will be for sale on 1/23 as a tribute to the first, second, and third bowl wins. The truck features a UK paint scheme, Rich Brooks signature decals, 22 inch chrome wheels, and a built-in GPS system that will only lead you to Nashville.


Poor Choice Of Words, CNN

Hmmmm. Mmmkay. Might be just a bit too soon. They haven't even been in the White House for 24 hours. Let's let them get comfortable before exposing their sexual prowess.

Kerry Collins To Rehab The Pro Bowl

The greatest quarterback in the history of quarterbacks and my personal hero, Kerry Collins, is heading to Hawaii. Starter Brett Favre and first reserve Phillip Rivers both declined the trip making way for second reserve Kerry Collins. My hard work (I created nearly 650 Hotmail accounts so I could vote more than once a week) has paid off. Now, go out there and show them why you should've been there in the first place. See you in Nashville in '09? Please?

Famous African Americans: The Forgotten Pioneer

Racial integration in sports has been a hot topic this week. If I had a dollar for every time my television mentioned Jackie Robinson, Jim Brown, Tony Dungy, or Muhammad Ali, I could start my own negro league franchise. Don't get me wrong, these men deserve to be celebrated, but, let me introduce to you a man that has not received such praise. Meet the first black character in a video game. He has no name. He has no recognition. No HBO specials or comparisons to our new President. Just a black man that stood up for what he believed in. In 1979, he ignored the racial barriers and entered the yellow and pink colored video game world via Atari 800's "Basketball." Today, we salute you, first black video game character. You may have been forgotten but your accomplishment will no longer be ignored.

[Vintage Computing And Gaming]

Time To Barack Out With Your Cock Out

What appeared to be the greatest day of everyone's lives (except mine) is finally over. Barack Obama is officially the President of the United States. In case you missed the exciting, action-packed, long, drawn out coverage, here is the HG Halftime Report recap:

1.) The Chief Justice absolutely butchered the oath. (Blatant sabotage? I think so.) You've got one job. How do you mess that up?
2.) Obama definitely "threw some D's on it". Caddy One has been appropriately nicknamed "The Beast"
3.) 27,500 screen-printed Hanes Beefy T's featuring Martin Luther King and Barack Obama's faces were sold along Pennsylvania Avenue. Prices ranged from $20 per t-shirt to "I don't have $20 on me, how 'bout $10?"
4.) Senator Ted Kennedy had a seizure at the luncheon. That's not a joke. He really did.
5.) George W. Bush was sent off with respect: The one finger salute and "Nah, nah, nah, nah, hey heyy goodbye." Grow up people.
6.) Numerous references were made to "Hope" and "Change". Or maybe I just heard D.C.'s street bums hoping for change. Either way, these two words are way too played out.
7.) The stock-market took a 332 point nose-dive during the ceremony. The ball's in your court now, B-Rock
8.) Total expenses for the inauguration are estimated to be around $150 million. Obama was seen pouring Cristal out for the economy while bumping Young Jeezy's "My President Is Black" through the 24 karat gold amplifiers.
9.) Nick Cannon DJ'd the Neighborhood Ball. The Red Team took the belt after Joe Biden rap battled Mikey Day in the final Wild Style
10.) Yes we can! Yes we can! I still don't know what this means but it's very motivating.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Congratulations to the 2009 NFC Champion Arizona Cardinals!!!

None of the 16 analysts on picked you to go to the Super Bowl! Even worse, only two picked you to win your own division. In the fucking NFC West!?! Just have Erin Andrews draw random teams from a hat and save us the trouble.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Rob Thomas Has The Voice Of An Angel

As Willis McGahee lay motionless after being completely JACKED UP by Pittsburgh's Ryan Clark, I began to write my RIP/obituary post. I was positive he was dead. Both teams knelt around the corpse in prayer as if to celebrate the life of McGahee. But then, by some act of God, Santana's timeless hit, "Smooth" featuring Rob Thomas began to play throughout Heinz Field. I was surprised to hear it at first. I thought to myself, how inappropriate? No class at all. However, I was unaware of the healing powers that the song possesses. Shortly after the song ended, it was announced that Willis was speaking and had movement in his limbs. One can only assume that this "movement" was the air guitar and "speaking" was actually: "gimme your heart, make it real, or let's forget about it..."

Your 2009 AFC Champion

The Pittsburgh Steelers beat the Baltimore Ravens and they didn't even need a bad call this time to do it. Troy Polamalu took an interception to the house with four minutes left to seal the 23-14 victory. Baltimore turned the ball over three times in three minutes to ruin all hopes of a comeback. This game was full of soon-to-be-Youtubed hits including one that most likely ended Willis McGahee's career. It's going to be exciting to watch Polamalu and the Steelers defense against the Cardinal's explosive offense led by Kurt Warner's Lord and Savior. Congratulations Steeler Nation, I still hate you.

The Eagles Are Super Bowl Bound

Philadelphia won the NFC Championship today beating the Arizona Cardinals 32-25. Donovan McNabb took the MV... wait... Arizona won? Seriously? But Arizona sucks, right? Well, excuse me, the Cardinals defeated the Eagles 32-25 today. I was at the Kentucky/Mississippi State women's basketball game (don't ask) and didn't catch any of the action. In fact, I'm going to double check my sources on this score. Gotta be a mistake. More to come...

Free Money Results

I had a pretty successful Saturday. I assumed that you threw a couple grand on my picks and now you're looking to upgrade from that Daewoo Lanos into that new Bentley coupe. If you didn't get a chance to read the Duke-G'Town prediction, I suggest that you scroll down and check that out (I picked the push). I don't mean to toot my own horn but toot toot. Look for more gambling posts in the future as I will see to it that you retire early and move out of that double wide.