Saturday, January 17, 2009

The Ten Worst Songs Of 2008

Trying to discern the worst songs of 2008 is like trying to solve a Rubik's cube with your feet. However, after careful thought, here are the 10 worst songs of 2008.

"Something in Your Mouth" Nickelback
Read that title back to yourself. Out loud. Feel like a dumbass yet? Now imagine being in a conference room at a major, multi-million dollar record label and giving the green light to a song called "Something in Your Mouth". This sounds like a game I had to play at my uncle's barbeque twelve years, five months, and fourteen days ago.

"Burn It to the Ground" Nickelback
I couldn't help but notice that the chords to this song sound suspiciously like the first song on this list, "Something in Your Mouth". It's almost like Nickelback recycles the same sound with varying degrees of ass-like lyrics. That being said, I can't crucify this song too much. The whole premise revolves around drinking a lot and that's something we can all be proud of: Unless you're a member of MADD or something.

"Gotta Be Somebody" Nickelback
I would rather swim in a pool of used medical equipment than to ever hear this song again.

"I'd Come for You" Nickelback
There should be laws against songs like this. And not just laws where the punishment is being put in jail, I'm talking maritime laws where the offender is tied to a mast and flogged to death.

"Next Go Round" Nickelback

"Just to Get High" Nickelback
This little power ballad deals with losing someone you love to drugs. I suppose in a way the song is supposed to warn others of the dangers drugs can cause, which is ironic because after listening to it I'm considering shooting up some weapons-grade heroin. You know, once my mom's finished.

"Never Gonna Be Alone" Nickelback
Leaves a worst taste in my mouth than a date with your sister

"S.E.X." Nickelback
Believe it or not, this song actually deals with the escalating situation in the Gaza Strip. Just kidding, it's about sexual intercourse.

"If Today Was Your Last Day" Nickelback
I really think if given the chance I could talk these guys into stop making such awful music. Then maybe I could I convince the tide to turn back and my dead grandfather and I would sail the seven seas in a boat made of sugar.

"This Afternoon" Nickleback
In listening to this song on Youtube I can’t help noticing some of the comments. There’s really nothing I can add about this song that this brave Internet soul already hasn’t…

Youtube member "Benchen" revised lyrics: You better suck on if im suckin on. Cuz well be suckin each other off till 6 in the mornin. Nothing wrong with dicks up my ass all night long. tough to put my pants on. doesnt matter when youd rather take it in the ass all day long. This is more befitting a nickelback song, seein as their GAY!

It's sad that the lyrical craftsmanship in a Youtube comment eclipses that of the actual band.

The 7 Most Embarrassing Names In Sports History

Rusty Kuntz at #5? What a screwjob. I guess the BCS voters had a say in this one. Pete Lacock tops the list.

[The 7 Most Embarrassing Names In Sports History]

HG's Honorable Mention: Harry Colon (formerly of the Lions)

Free Money (Saturday CBB Picks)

It's 11:00 am, I'm off work today, I just cracked beer number two, and College Gameday has got me in the mood to generate some income. I've been on a break from gambling but today's lineup provided an itch that I need to parlay scratch. Here are a few of my picks. Read them, bet at your own risk. If they lose- sorry. If they win- 15% advisory fee (PayPal accepted)
Syracuse (-4)
Notre Dame had their asses handed to them at Louisville on Monday. I expect the same to happen at the Carrier Dome. The Harangody hype is getting old. McAlarney can shoot the lights out but I see a good game out of Johhny Flynn for the Orange. Cleveland State isn't walking through that door.
Northern Iowa (+6.5)
Betting on mid-majors is what I do. I can't explain it. Tiger Woods plays golf, Dale Earnhardt Jeff Gordon drives fast, R.L. Stine writes classics, and I pick mid-major winners. It's in my blood. The public is all over Drake, especially at home. However, the public does not possess the gift that I have been blessed with. Northern Iowa covers for sure, I even went as far as taking them to win. Sit back and watch my greatness.
Pittsburgh (+2)
Louisville is looking to make it three straight wins over ranked opponents. Pitt is undefeated and ranked numero uno. I think Pitt takes this one on the road. Earl Clark hasn't had a tough matchup all year. Pitt is a tough defensive team and they will give him trouble. Louisville is struggling from deep and from what I've seen, they are about 9% from the foul line in the second half. Somardo Samuels will get in early foul trouble and Pitt will dominate the boards. Pitt is just an all around good squad this year. Combine all these factors, ignore them, and then consider the fact that I just absolutely hate Louisville... Pitt to win.
Georgetown/Duke (+9/-9)
I've changed my mind on this game five times in the past half hour. That usually means stay away. My initial reaction was to take the Hoyas. They beat UConn on the road and...wait, I think I like Duke. Yeah, I like Duke. Duke is #3 and I think they are still underrated. They are extremely quick and have been playing phenominal defense. If they can shoot the ball well, they will cover. For G'Town, staying out of jail Greg Monroe is the X factor. With that being said, I am taking Georgetown. 9 is a lot of points to give up. But, Duke is good. So I'm gonna go with Duke. Can you just bet on a push? This number is killing me. I'm just going to bet Duke -9 and Georgetown +9. You pick a side, I'm taking the middle.
Clemson (-2)
Two undefeated ACC teams. Going to be a close game. Clemson takes it at home.
Evansville (-11)
Another mid-major. Another winner. It's all purple in this one.
Arkansas (+10.5)
This one just seems a little too high. Plus, I hate Florida.

What Have You Done For Me Lately?

John Gruden fell victim to the recently accepted "Hey, Let's Fire The Head Coach" trend. Gruden falls into the WTF category of coach firings along with Mike Shanahan. After winning the Super Bowl in his first season as head coach, Gruden hasn't done a whole lot outside of making those axe murderer faces for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Tampa went 0-4 down the stretch this year to knock themselves out of the playoffs after holding the lead in the division. Gruden is the 107th NFL head coach to be fired this offseason. Damn economy is just forcing layoffs left and right.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

My Son Can Beat Up Your Son

Every father pursues the real American dream: Son dominates little league, attends college for one year, goes first in the draft, and signs endorsements with every company imaginable. Then, dad cashes the check, retires, buys a Hummer, goes to all of the games, divorces mom, and dates son's cheerleader friends. I dream about it, you dream about it- we all dream about it. Well, Todd Gerleman isn't fucking around with the American dream. Gerleman, 44, of Badassville, was arrested for giving his 14 year old son steroids. Yes, you read that correctly. Not extra-strength Flinstone vitamins, steroids. The young phenom ratted out his pops after officers found a syringe and 105 pills in the boy's bedroom. Why were officers in the boy's bedroom, you ask? Well, they were there because the boy just assaulted his mother. Todd, holy shit, man. You're an inspiration to dads everywhere. Most choose to coach the kid's team and make sure his son is the star. Others spend ridiculous amounts of money on camps and private lessons. Todd Gerleman, you just upped the ante. Todd Gerleman just challenged your kid to catch that ball over the middle: "Helmet to helmet? It's flag football let 'em play. That tattoo? I signed for it." I bet the poor boy has a five-pound weight strapped to his Wii remote. When asked about the relationship between him and his father, the boy responded: "Is Spike mistaken? Icebox a girl? SPIKE DON'T PLAY WITH GIRLS!"

"Spike's in hell. Spike's in Pee-Wee HELL!"

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Oh, You Want A Playoff Post? FINE!

So I didn't make a post about the NFL playoffs. Well, here. Here is your damn post. Ya happy? It's all I got. This is my playoff recap. Soak it in. Have a nice f------ day.

Lebron To Leave The Cavs? For The Browns?

Bo Jackson. Deion Sanders. Lebron James. Lebron flirts with the idea of the NFL as he continues to toy with the city of Cleveland's emotions. I don't know what these photos are from, most likely a ridiculous promo, but I do know that Lebron at tight end would be a difficult matchup.

Perverted Awesomeness

Brittany Sumrall Johnson is the girl's basketball coach at Kilbourne High School in Louisiana. She is 26 years old and she teaches English. She is married and has one child. Oh yeah, she also enjoys sending messages to her students. Just nice, innocent messages. Ya know, messages to a 14 year old boy asking for sex. Would you like to read one of the messages? Of course you would:

"And oh my gosh did u look hot! I can’t wait 4 u 2 play varsity
(so) we can hook up on the bus on the way hom lol!,”;
“oh yea and in the closet, I so wanted to grab you and pull u in there
and shut that door and take full advantage of you...”;
and “has anyone ever told u that u have a fine ass and body?”

Move over lingerie football, I have a new fantasy: School teacher, school bus, sexual predator, statutory rape, high school basketball. Why didn't anything like this happen to me in high school? And why are people acting like this boy is a victim? He may be a victim of excessive high fiving but in no way, shape, or form is he a victim of lude activity. Hold your head up high kid and make that varsity team. Now, I'm off to find apartments in the Kilbourne school district. I still have a couple of years of high school basketball eligibility left.

[Busted Coverage] **more pictures**

Dungy Continues To Break Racial Barriers

Two years ago, Tony Dungy became the first black coach to win a Super Bowl. Well on Monday, Tony Dungy tore down another racial barrier as he became the first black coach to retire as head coach from the Indianapolis Colts in 2009. Wipes teardrops from cheek. It did not take long for the Colts to find a guy capable of saying run or pass and then watching Peyton Manning do all the work as Dungy will be replaced by long time assistant Jim Caldwell. What's next for Coach Dungy? Look for the first black football analyst with freckles that coached Peyton Manning to be all over your television sets in 2009.

The Return Of Jesus

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Let us rejoice!

"And I heard as it were the voice of a great multitude, and as the
voice of many waters, and as the voice of mighty thunderings,
saying, Alleluia: for the Lord God omnipotent reigneth."
(Revelations 19:6)

Go shout it on the mountain tops! Doth thou telleth thy brethren! Tim Tebow returns! Tebow returns! All hail the King!