Friday, January 9, 2009

Out For The Day! We Will Return At...

Folks, I'm loading up my buddy's mom's mini-van with a full keg of the Naturalist of Lights and heading for the Music City. I'll be back in full force on Monday to entertain the handful of viewers of the Report. I hope you enjoyed the BCS Championship game last night. I thought it would be fun to try to kill a beer during every Florida possession. (That kneel down to end the half was a killer - 3 seconds) The first half was great but I don't remember anything after a few snaps into the third quarter. I have been told that Florida won but my hangover prohibits my brain from receiving and processing information. Anyway, you kids be safe and look for me in the endzone at the Titans game. I'll be the guy with the bloody white t-shirt and the "Ray Lewis Stabbed Me In The Parking Lot" sign. (Oh yeah, that's happening.) Go Titans.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

He Went To Jared (Part 2: Baby Edition)

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the marriage of Candace Parker and Shelden Williams. The post was supposed to be a form of closure between myself and the thought of their elopement. Well, today my worst fear has revealed itself as the couple is back in the news. While browsing (part of my everyday morning routine), I found this article. It's a giant baby! Candace Parker defied the laws of anatomy and creation and is indeed pregnant. How? We'll never know. Surely, they didn't actually have sex. Maybe they just shared a jockstrap. Who cares. All I know is that pro basketball teams need to start clearing the cap room. "With the first pick in the 2026 Draft...."

Monday, January 5, 2009

WWKD? (What Will Kurt Draw?)

Kurt Warner is a man of God and he passionately expresses his faith every time he is asked questions about how well the football game went, what he had for dinner, or why he and his wife share a barber. The man is not shy about his religion. Good for you Kurt, good for you. I am not here to touch that issue. However, I am all over the fact that Kurt Warner draws evil homeless men and calls them Jesus-God. I don't really know how to react to this video. It's just awkward. I don't know what else to say about it. Watch it and then forget you ever saw it.

Rey Maualuga Is A Gentleman

USC's Rey Maualuga attacked a helpless, unsuspecting Erin Andrews during a break at the Rose Bowl. I can't say that I wouldn't do the same if presented the opportunity. The real question is how did Rey find the energy to grind all over Ms. Andrews all while giving it even harder to the Penn State offense.

Antoine Walker Arrested For D.U.I.

Athletes and drunk driving go together like janitors and pedophilia but I never thought that I'd see the day that my childhood hero would join the list. Antoine Walker, from THE University of Kentucky, was arrested in Miami Beach early Monday morning on suspicion of drunken driving. No word on whether or not Walker was sporting the denim Converse high-tops at the time of the arrest. And how are we we sure that the arresting officer did not just mistake a failed sobriety test and signs of alcohol intoxication for the "Antoine Shimmy"? Go Cats.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Sunday Recap: Birds Fly

Baltimore 27, Miami 9 - The Ravens' defense forced five turnovers including a 64 yard interception TD return by Ed Reed. Prior to today, the Dolphins had only given up the ball 13 times all season. The Ravens head into Nashville next Saturday to face the Titans in a playoff rivalry game. I'll be in attendance - absolutely hammered in the 11th row.

Philadelphia 26, Minnesota 14 - Tarvaris Jackson's 44 yard touchdown pass to Asante Samuel set the tone for the remainder of the game. (Unfortunately for Purple Jesus and the Vikings, Samuel plays for the Eagles) Philadelphia will face the New York football Giants in the divisional round next week.

Louisville 74, Kentucky 71 - The Louisville Cardinals knocked off my beloved Kentucky Wildcats on a terrible, what is he thinking, poor decision, holy shit it went in, great, last second shot by Edgar Sosa. Sosa had 18 for Louisville, Patterson and Meeks combined for 5o for the Cats, and I put up 9 f-bombs, 2 holes in the wall, and 1 broken cell phone. Go Cats.

Boston College 85, North Carolina 78 - The Eagles from Boston College made me look like a genius today as I have been preaching that UNC will fall to a mediocre conference opponent soon. Did I back up my talk and actually throw down money on the BC win? Of course not. BC led by as much as 15 over the Heels at the Dean Dome.