Monday, April 27, 2009

Matthew Stafford Got Paid: Your 2009 NFL Draft Recap

Dollar. Dollar. Bills. Y'all.
6 years, 72 million. 6 years, 72 million. 6 years, 72 million. I thought if I said it over and over it would make sense but it is just ridiculous. I wouldn't pay 72 million dollars for Matthew Stafford if his body was stuffed with 73 million dollars worth of pure Columbian cocaine. How in the hell does a guy that has never played a down in the NFL receive a deal with the most guaranteed money in NFL history? 41.7 million in guaranteed money? If I was Stafford, I would find a nice comfortable spot on the pine during the season and then travel the world with the finest Detroit strippers in my learjet made of diamonds and gummy bears during the offseason. Hey Matt, can you front me some cash until I get my check from Cash4Gold.com?

Al Davis Was Drunk.
"With the 7th pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select Michael Crab... Umm I think I picked up the wrong envelope. No, this one says Heyward-Bey. Yes. Yes it does. No, I need Michael Crabtree's, it should be towards the top. You mean they actually picked Darrius Heyward-Bey? You are sure? You are positive? F*ck it.... With the 7th pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select... Darrius Heyward-Bey, wide receiver, Maryland."

"With the 47th pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select Michael Mitchell... oh come on, Al! Seriously?!"

N-U-T-S! NUTS! NUTS! NUTS!
Mike Tannenbaum and Rex Ryan have balls and they were not playing games in the NFL Draft. The Jets' draft success won't be determined until late in the season but they showed up at Radio City Music Hall throwing punches. First, in a questionable move, New York traded up to make sure they got that Mexican guy to be the face of their franchise. Then, they make a move up in the third round to draft Iowa running back Shonn Greene. That'll light a fire under Thomas Jones' ass.

Knowshown Cracked The Top 15

Mel Kiper Jr. Can Suck It
I don't expect anyone to accurately predict the first round of the NFL Draft, but if you are cashing ESPN checks and taking over my television for two months, you better do a lot better than getting 8 selections correct. I think I can blindly pick 8 of 32 in the WNBA Draft. Screw you Mel. You aren't even qualified to tell me what day it is. Todd McShay hit 6 out of 32 but his spray-on tan was just too hilarious so he gets a pass on this one. Kiper, you know better. You have the best job in sports and you just continue to waste our time. I think next year ESPN should just show two months of Knight School or Playmakers leading up to the draft.

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