Wednesday, January 14, 2009

My Son Can Beat Up Your Son

Every father pursues the real American dream: Son dominates little league, attends college for one year, goes first in the draft, and signs endorsements with every company imaginable. Then, dad cashes the check, retires, buys a Hummer, goes to all of the games, divorces mom, and dates son's cheerleader friends. I dream about it, you dream about it- we all dream about it. Well, Todd Gerleman isn't fucking around with the American dream. Gerleman, 44, of Badassville, was arrested for giving his 14 year old son steroids. Yes, you read that correctly. Not extra-strength Flinstone vitamins, steroids. The young phenom ratted out his pops after officers found a syringe and 105 pills in the boy's bedroom. Why were officers in the boy's bedroom, you ask? Well, they were there because the boy just assaulted his mother. Todd, holy shit, man. You're an inspiration to dads everywhere. Most choose to coach the kid's team and make sure his son is the star. Others spend ridiculous amounts of money on camps and private lessons. Todd Gerleman, you just upped the ante. Todd Gerleman just challenged your kid to catch that ball over the middle: "Helmet to helmet? It's flag football let 'em play. That tattoo? I signed for it." I bet the poor boy has a five-pound weight strapped to his Wii remote. When asked about the relationship between him and his father, the boy responded: "Is Spike mistaken? Icebox a girl? SPIKE DON'T PLAY WITH GIRLS!"

"Spike's in hell. Spike's in Pee-Wee HELL!"

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