Tuesday, May 12, 2009

BREAKING NEWS: Horace Grant Out For Remainder Of NBA Playoffs

The first step in overcoming addiction is admitting that there is a problem. Unfortunately, it took a second computer crash in two months to realize the severity of this problem but I am now fully aware and I am ready to tackle my addiction. So, as instructed by my accountabili-buddy, I am publicly giving up any and all bukakke video websites and their amateur live-feed videos and online dating affiliates. The status of my one month old harddrive is still undetermined but the problem has been pinpointed and is credited to my online fetish(es). I will do my best to update from random computers (public library, roommates, jail, etc.) until my computer is back up and running. The timing of this couldn't be any worse after just having 3500+ hits in one day but I truly believe, just as the Scots did behind Sir William Wallace at the Battle of Stirling, that we will prevail. Please continue to check back frequently and keep the Horace Grant Halftime Report in your prayers. I will leave you with 8 Great Moments In Cheerleader Tryout Fails and a promise to return as soon as possible. Godspeed, Horace Grant Halftime Report Nation. Godspeed.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Black People Like Chicken

Really? No white people at all? Couldn't the local news thrown in a few actors to seem less racist?

[Observation Bubble]

Monday, April 27, 2009

An Unfair Advantage

Kyle Maynard is a congenital amputee, meaning he has no arms or legs beyond the joints. He is also an MMA fighter. Yes, this is a "holy shit" moment. I'll even repeat it... Kyle Maynard is a mixed martial arts fighter with no arms or legs. Let's continue... Maynard made his MMA debut this past weekend in Auburn, Alabama. Maynard put up a strong fight as he stuck to the ground game where he is much more experienced, as opposed to going toe to toe with his opponent. He barely escaped defeat after avoiding an arm bar early in the first round. In round 2 he landed a few elbows but was later disqualified after the official found plaster in his gloves. The referee then rolled up a newspaper and smacked him on the nose. In other news, I am probably going to hell.

The fight went all three rounds and Maynard lost to Bryan Fry by decision. Fry simply refused to fight and landed just enough to win the punch count. All joking aside, I respect Kyle and admire his determination but we all knew the ending of this one before it began. There is no way he can continue to do this. It is embarassing to the sport. MMA has fought hard to be considered a legit form of competition and this isn't helping the cause at all. With that being said, Kyle, please don't kick my ass.

Carl Edwards Knows How To Wreck

Yeah dat dare Carl Edwards flipped that ol' 99 car right dare at the end of the race. That boy went up yonder near the toppa this fence here and I reckon no one got injuries. Now we mighta lost a Budweiser or two but I reckon thats a small prize to pay to keep alive ya know. I heared that some nice ol lady down in the front where Hal and Darlene used to sit got hurt by a lugnut but we all made it out all fine and dandy over here. Already lookin ford to the Brickyard. I love my NASCAR, boy, I love it. I really do.

Matthew Stafford Got Paid: Your 2009 NFL Draft Recap

Dollar. Dollar. Bills. Y'all.
6 years, 72 million. 6 years, 72 million. 6 years, 72 million. I thought if I said it over and over it would make sense but it is just ridiculous. I wouldn't pay 72 million dollars for Matthew Stafford if his body was stuffed with 73 million dollars worth of pure Columbian cocaine. How in the hell does a guy that has never played a down in the NFL receive a deal with the most guaranteed money in NFL history? 41.7 million in guaranteed money? If I was Stafford, I would find a nice comfortable spot on the pine during the season and then travel the world with the finest Detroit strippers in my learjet made of diamonds and gummy bears during the offseason. Hey Matt, can you front me some cash until I get my check from Cash4Gold.com?

Al Davis Was Drunk.
"With the 7th pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select Michael Crab... Umm I think I picked up the wrong envelope. No, this one says Heyward-Bey. Yes. Yes it does. No, I need Michael Crabtree's, it should be towards the top. You mean they actually picked Darrius Heyward-Bey? You are sure? You are positive? F*ck it.... With the 7th pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select... Darrius Heyward-Bey, wide receiver, Maryland."

"With the 47th pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select Michael Mitchell... oh come on, Al! Seriously?!"

N-U-T-S! NUTS! NUTS! NUTS!
Mike Tannenbaum and Rex Ryan have balls and they were not playing games in the NFL Draft. The Jets' draft success won't be determined until late in the season but they showed up at Radio City Music Hall throwing punches. First, in a questionable move, New York traded up to make sure they got that Mexican guy to be the face of their franchise. Then, they make a move up in the third round to draft Iowa running back Shonn Greene. That'll light a fire under Thomas Jones' ass.

Knowshown Cracked The Top 15

Mel Kiper Jr. Can Suck It
I don't expect anyone to accurately predict the first round of the NFL Draft, but if you are cashing ESPN checks and taking over my television for two months, you better do a lot better than getting 8 selections correct. I think I can blindly pick 8 of 32 in the WNBA Draft. Screw you Mel. You aren't even qualified to tell me what day it is. Todd McShay hit 6 out of 32 but his spray-on tan was just too hilarious so he gets a pass on this one. Kiper, you know better. You have the best job in sports and you just continue to waste our time. I think next year ESPN should just show two months of Knight School or Playmakers leading up to the draft.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Madden 10 Cover Released

Oh wait, that's not it. Here it is...
If you look closely you can almost see Kurt Warner's wife cheering in the background. See her? No? Well anyway, this is the first year that the Madden cover has featured two NFL superstars. I like the idea, especially two players from one of the best Super Bowls ever. However, Polamalu and Fitzgerald wouldn't have been my first pick for a double feature. Unfortunately, the Kurt Warner/Jesus Christ cover was snubbed due to J.C.'s current licensing agreement with Digital Praise Gaming's Captain Bible In Dome Of Darkness and Guitar Praise. Maybe next year...

NCAA Incompetence: Volume 87


Tits. Are. Here. In an attempt to distract fans from the lack of a college football playoff, the NCAA announced that it will consider adding sand volleyball for intercollegiate competition. Wait, what? Sand volleyball?! It's beach volleyball! Why change the fucking name? Look, we get it: Not every game of beach volleyball literally takes place on a beach. Is a blow job really a "blow job"? Does the person giving a blow job try and blow air down your pee hole? Wait, that actually sounds pretty nice. Disregard everything you just read.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Chris Brown Tags In Andrew Bynum

Rumor has it that Los Angeles Lakers center, Andrew Bynum, is now dating that adorable punching bag R&B singer with the GreatClips men's haircut amazing voice. Bynum, fresh off getting paid millions to watch the Lakers make the playoffs without him, has been seen out in L.A. with Rihanna doing boyfriend/girlfriend things...like, trying not to blow his knee for the 11th time in 10 months. I'm going to go ahead and be the first to report that Rihanna (most famous for hit singles "Domestic Disturbia" and "Please Don't Stop A-busing") is just using Bynum to get to Kobe. You heard it here folks. I guess I'll go ahead and report that Chris Brown is a dick too. Yep, that's right, more ground breaking news from the HGHR.

Detroit Lions Unveal New Logo

The Lions are in dire need of a fresh start this year to put the 0-16 season behind them. Hell, they need to put their whole franchise history behind them. This new logo is the future in Detroit. I can definitely see Matt Stafford wearing this.

Crying Black Baby Misses The Horace Grant Halftime Report


Sunday, March 15, 2009

Vitamin Water Sales Down 99.8% In Kentucky

Nope, still not funny to me. I now regret ever buying Vitamin Water or laughing at their commercials. This ad had potential but it lacks the part where Pitino burns Christian Laettner alive at halfcourt in Rupp Arena as he chugs a fifth of Maker's, makes out with Ashley Judd, and then announces his return to Kentucky.

New Yankee Stadium Is Leg Amputee Accessible

Ummmmm....

Donte Drink And Drive!

Drinking and driving is not cool. There is the risk of losing your license, paying fines out the ass, and possibly even wrecking your car. Or more importantly, as Donte Stallworth found out early Saturday morning, you could kill someone. Kill, like, end someone's life. Someone, like, another human being that was minding their own business and has died because you couldn't call a cab driver. A cab driver, like, one who gives rides for roughly 35 bucks. 35 bucks, like, .000001% of your recently signed 35 million dollar contract with the Cleveland Browns.

Stallworth was headed toward the beach when he hit Mario Reyes, 59, around 7 a.m., said Miami Beach police spokesman Juan Sanchez. Reyes was taken to a nearby trauma center, where he was pronounced dead about an hour later. He was near a crosswalk but it's not clear if he was crossing legally.

Stallworth admitted to drinking at least four Patrons and two Margaritas. A separate source called that information “basically right,” but added that Stallworth contends he had his last drink at midnight. The incident occurred after 7:00 a.m. local time.

We’re also told that Stallworth claimed in his statement to police that he saw the man crossing the street from a distance, and flashed the high beams and honked the horn of the Bentley he was driving. Apparently, there’s an issue as to whether Stallworth could have taken evasive action because of a barrier along the median.

We’re told that Stallworth is badly shaken by the news that the pedestrian had died.

Considering Stallworth's past with alcohol abuse and the fact that he is enrolled in the NFL Substance Abuse Program, things aren't looking too bright for Donte. Hopefully he wasn't under the influence but this is a sad story regardless.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

This Never Gets Old

When I take a step back and look at my life as a whole, there are very few things that I love with a passion. You know, the things that warm the soul and put a smile on my face. Such things as my closest friends, my family, the love and touch of a woman, a cold beer in a frosty mug, a great game, the love and touch of two women at the same time, and the story of a young adolescent boy having sex with a teacher/superior/best friend's mother. Well today, I hit for the cycle as I sat down after enjoying an ice cold Kentucky Bourbon Barrel Ale and reading that a 13 year old boy has been sleeping with his history teacher. Oh, and also with his math teacher. This video courtesy of CNN has the details...


Friday, March 13, 2009

Back From The Dead

What better day than Friday the 13th to rise from the grave and bring the Horace Grant Halftime Report back to life. The computer had a successful procedure, although I lost everything (nearly 4000 songs, webcam pics of my best friend's sister, fondue recipes, some personal cock-shots) but it's time to get back to business. I'm assuming that any followers we had are long gone so it's basically a fresh start. So, tell a friend, tell 2 friends, tattoo it to your ass - The Horace Grant Halftime Report is alive. "I'm back-you bitches-I'm better-than ever."

Monday, February 9, 2009

Going Under The Knife

I regret to inform you that the Horace Grant Halftime Report will be taking a break for the next week due to a computer malfunction/crash/totally f--ked (damn, kiddy porn). I'll have new posts as soon as I get my traptop back off of the operating table. I recommend that you stock up on canned goods, bottled water, and blow to survive the drought. It will be tough, but I think we can all make it through this and weather the storm. Hopefully, I'll get the little girl out of the shop soon with a quick and easy procedure. Bear with me, and don't give up. Don't ever give up.

"Viruses can take away all of my hardrive. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart, and it cannot touch The Report. And those three things are going to carry on forever. I thank you and God bless you all."

Saturday, February 7, 2009

FREE MONEY!

Eastern Illinois (-15.5) vs. SEMO
***SEMO's top player, Calvin Williams, has been dismissed from the basketball team "because of a violation of athletic department policy. University personnel will have no further comment."***

Williams was SEMO's best player by far. This leaves SEMO with 7 scholarship players and one of them has a fractured foot and a broken nose. EIU won the last two meeting by 20 points, both at SEMO. I'm all on this game like a Snuggie. (8 units)

Gonzaga (-5) vs. Memphis
College Gameday in Spokane. Memphis traveling cross country. Gonzaga is the better team. I've never liked Memphis. Well, Memphis basketball. The barbeque is phenominal. (2 units)

Tennessee (-3) at Auburn
The Vols can't afford to lose this one. They're still the best team in the SEC and they're starting to play like it. I just don't see Auburn keeping this one close. But, I also didn't see that the girl from The Vu last night was a tranny... until we got home. (2 units)

Miami FL (+14) at Duke
Miami is getting Duke at a good time here. I think it will be tough for the Blue Devils to respond with a 15 point win after that massacre at Clemson. Plus, Miami's guards are very physical while Scheyer, Paulus and the rest of the Dukies look like choir boys straight out of Neverland Ranch. McClinton always seems to shoot well in big games and they should keep this one close. Duke wins but not by double digits. (3 units)

Cincinnati (+10.5) at Georgetown
Georgetown has not impressed me all year. This line seems high considering Cincinnati is capable of scoring on anyone. They had a bad offensive performance in an ugly loss to Nova but other than that, they are on a roll. Oh, and not to mention that they won by 8 earlier this season against the Hoyas. Go (Bear)Cats. (4 units)

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Phil Ivey Officially Hates James Harrison

Remember Phil Ivey's big bet that I wrote about before the Super Bowl? Well, it's bad. It's real bad. There is a bad beat and then there is this... Ya ready? Phil Ivey bet $800,000 on the Cardinals +3.5 in the first half. If you didn't just say holy shit aloud to yourself, let me recap the situation. The Cardinals were down 10-7 with the ball at their own goal line with 10 seconds left in the first half. At this point, I would assume that Ivey was on the phone with the local Maserati dealership. Then, James Harrison returns an interception 100 yards as the half ends, to make the halftime score 17-7. At this point, I would assume that Phil Ivey cursed Jesus, flipped over the snack table, ran his hands across his face, continued to curse Jesus, and possibly called his girlfriend, mother, sister, and Jesus a whore. This has to be the worst beat in sports gambling history. Luckily, Phil also put $800,000 on the Cardinals to cover the full game, so he broke even. But, I just can't imagine a fun-filled evening of 3D glasses and Bruce Springsteen at the Ivey household during halftime. I expect more of a prison rape type atmosphere.

Welcome To Madison Square Garden: No Defense Allowed

________
First, Kobe Bryant drops 61. Everyone called it the greatest performance at MSG...for one day. Then the very next game, Lebron comes through with an even more impressive triple double with 52 points, 10 boards, and 11 assists. I haven't seen performances like that since the Hitman's three point frenzy. So the question is, is Madison Square Garden slowly becoming the new whorehouse of the NBA? It seems like everyone is getting off. At least the Knicks catch a break in their next game against the, oh boy, Boston Celtics. We all know that Paul Pierce will attempt to score 50+ but I don't think he has it in him. I'm predicting 42 assists from Rondo.

I Just Can't Get Enough Andy Kennedy

Andy Kennedy will always have a soft spot in my heart and he will most likely end up in the H.G.H.R.H.O.F. (Horace Grant Halftime Report Hall Of Fame). Two of my first posts, "America! Fuck Yeah!" and "Assault, Why Jiddou That?" were instrumental in taking the Horace Grant Halftime Report from it's beginnings as a brand new site with essentially no personality or real content, to where it is today, a three month old site with essentially no personality or real content. With that being said, Andy Kennedy is back on the HGHR radar. The Cincinnati Enquirer has released the police cruiser video of Kennedy's arrest and it is full of quotes. Kennedy begs and pleads the officer to let him go because "it will cause a national scene" and "I'm an SEC coach." Officer Dontgiveashitwhoyouare threatens to tase Kennedy and informs him that he is aware the arrest could be newsworthy. "You think we’ve never arrested somebody that’s made national media?” he said. “We deal with the Bengals all the time.” I love it.


Check out the full story [Cincinnati.com]

Reason To Hate The Steelers #2278

After I finally accepted the fact (3 days later) that they are not going to review the final play (does it hurt to just look at it?), I find this nonsense....
Both feet are NOT down! Look at it! Holmes tucked his right foot under his left to create an illusion to all of the drunks watching the game. We got hosed! Roger Goodell, do the right thing. Replay the Super Bowl! Only this time, it should be the Arizona Cardinals vs. the Tennessee Titans. Make it happen.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Sorry For Partying

OH MY GOD!!!! NO WAY!!!! MICHAEL PHELPS HIT THE BONG!!!!!!
Michael Phelps is 23. Michael Phelps smoked weed, probably does it quite often and will probably continue to do so. I bet he has even done a line of blow off of a stripper's ass. Who gives a shit? It happens. Party on, Michael. Just like shaving, wearing Old Spice, checking out 17 year-old girls and buying a tool set, it is a part of becoming a man. While everyone worries about your endorsements, I only see it as an opportunity for new deals.

You're Not Cool Unless You Pee... On Matt Cassel?

Matt Cassel got pissed on. Those are the only five words needed to sum up this story and induce laughter. Gatecrasher has the rest...

The football star was in line for the bathroom at ESPN's Tampa Bay Super Bowl bash Friday night when a drunken reveler tried to cut in front of him. “Matt told him to wait his turn and headed into the urinals,” a spy tells us. Moments later, the fella barged in and proceeded to purposefully pee directly on Cassel’s leg. After security tossed the drunk, Cassel headed back out into the crowd, wet pants and all.

You're more of a man than me Matt Cassel. I don't know how you didn't break this guy's face. I will however, give you credit for continuing to party in wet pants though. That shows the will and determination that it takes to party.

Meet Your MVP: Santonio Holmes

Santonio Holmes is not your typical Super Bowl MVP, and I'm not saying that because he is a wide receiver. I'm saying that because he is... well, he is this....

"McLovin and Santonio Holmes Are BFF"
Santonio Holmes and McLovin from Superbad showed up together and did all interviews as a twosome. They said they met at a party earlier in the night and then left the party together. I'd love to hear that conversation.

McLovin says he first approached Holmes and told him he was a fan. Holmes appreciated McLovin's pot-smoking scene.
[NFL Fanhouse]

The Infamous Shower Photo
Many people are unaware that this photo exists. In fact, I wish that I was one of those people. This photo was taken by Ben Roethlisberger is all over the internet. I refuse to post the uncensored version. If you're that interested, it is easy to find. I, for one, do not recommend it. I have not taken a shower since.

He Used To Sell Weed
Troubled childhood. Poor family. Sold drugs to survive. Same sad, tragic story. Different celebrity. Whatever happened to part-time jobs?

He Was Busted With Weed...This Season
The interesting part of this story is the arresting officer praised Holmes for his cooperation and manners. He even suggests that the NFL and Steelers franchise take it easy on Holmes. I think somebody is a Steelers fan. He'd never last on the Cincinnati force.

He Was Also Arrested In 2006
An athlete arrested for disorderly conduct? Verbally abusive to a police officer? To the NFL this charge is no worse than a speeding ticket. Even for a rookie. We'll let this one slide.

Why Is Santonio So Fast? He Used To Club Rabbits. Seriously.
I wish I was making this one up, but quite frankly, I'm not that creative. Santonio's speed is credited to chasing rabbits as a child. Should we be surprised? We all know that animal cruelty and professional football go together like Stuart Scott and glass eyes.

'We'd punch them in the head, chop them in the back of their neck to kill them instantly,' Holmes said. 'We had no remorse for those rabbits. We were hunting, just like people out there surviving.'”

Pardon The Interruption

"Did I just see that???" Yes, Tucson, you did just see that. While most of America contend that Bud Light, Doritios, or even Cash4Gold.com had the best 30-second spot during the Super Bowl, Tucson, Arizona may nominate the 30 seconds of porn containing full frontal male nudity that interrupted the late fourth quarter Cardinal touchdown celebration. As Fitzgerald threw his arms in the air as he crossed the endzone, many viewers in the Tucson, AZ area threw their arms over their children's eyes. An error (alledgedly) in the Comcast broadcast caused a switch from NBC's Super Bowl coverage to Club Jenna's "18 'n' Up Wet Poon starring everyone's favorite baby arm holding an apple, Evan Stone. The clip was displayed for approximately 30 seconds before returning to the football game.

I don't know why everyone is so fired up about this. What about me? I am the real victim. I was enjoying a lonely, quiet Sunday night watching 18 'n' Up Wet Poon and was furious when it switched to 30 seconds of football coverage. I paid $19.99! Comcast, I expect a full refund or I am switching to the dish.


If you live under a rock and have never seen Evan Stone's work, or would just like to see the uncensored, NSFW video. Head on over to Fleshbot....

[Fleshbot - Porn Invades The Super Bowl] (18+)

I'm Going To Africa

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a rough week here at the Horace Grant Halftime Report. I apologize for the lack of posts (I know all six of you are disappointed) but I am having a Dave Chappelle moment. I'm suffering from writer's block and a lack of motivation. I have several drafts and lots of material to work with but I just can't seem to get it done. Maybe it's because I lost my job, maybe it's because I've been sick, who knows, it could be because Marisa Miller isn't returning my phone calls, but either way, my head is just not in it.

UPDATE:
I just found an orphan 40 oz. Steel Reserve in my refrigerator. Where did it come from? No clue. Why is it there? Destiny. This malt liquor (along with the fifth of Beam) are just what I need to get my swagger back. (Yes, I just said that.) Thank you, oh Hammurabi, God of alcohol. You might've just saved The Report. Check back tomorrow as I plan on making a comeback like Jordan wearing the 45.

Monday, February 2, 2009

The Greatest 4th Quarter Ever Played?

I don't have to recap the game for you. You saw it. And, like me, you were bored out of your mind for three quarters and then things got interesting. I'll be back soon with my insight on the game and some of it's storylines that don't involve football.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Joy In The Midst Of The Storm

After spending my Saturday morning filling up 15 cans of gas and loading up 5 generators to send back to my parents to stay alive, I realized that this ice storm sucks. My hometown was featured on Good Morning America due to the damage all over town (Imagine being on life-support through a 5000 watt generator from Home Depot). It's been a rough and cold week for the area but tomorrow we've got that football game they play between GoDaddy commercials. I don't know about you but I've got my "What The F#%k Blanket" ready to go for a fine weekend of sports. You better believe I'm staying warm while holding a baby and telling a racist joke. I might even read in broad daylight. (Might be the lack of sleep, but, I absolutely love this video.)

[via The Big Lead]

Friday, January 30, 2009

Can't We Just Pay Him To Jump Off A Bridge?

Ever wonder why foreign countries are always burning American flags in protest? It's because we allow assholes like this to post things on the internet. True story. But back to this jumping off a bridge thing. The guy DID say he would entertain by performing a stupid dare. Sounds fair to me.

Credit: Cracked.com

I Still Hate You. But This Helps.


Tails Never Fails

That guy thats always on ESPN2 at 4am and kinda looks like Tiger Woods is going balls to the wall for the Super Bowl. While I spread my $20 bets across the props sheet, Phil Ivey is throwing down $1,000,000 on a single bet. Holy shit man, I thought I enjoyed gambling. Some say I drop more coin on football games than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter but this is just ludicrous. Ivey refuses to say who he took but I'm guessing he went straight for the coin toss. Betting 7 figures on the spread would be too nerve-racking and only lead to a late, meaningless field goal to break your heart. The coin toss gets straight to the point and avoids all of the drama. Tails never fails, Phil. Good luck.

Top 5 Reasons Why I Love Hating Pittsburgh

1.) "The White and The Plastic Ivories (We Aint Got Kire)"


2.) The Terrible ShamWow


3.) Creepy Families With YouTube (Incest?)


4.) This Girl


5.) Jeff Reed's Douchery

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

.5 Second Three Pointer

Romo Loves His Offensive Line

I can't tell if this is Tony Romo's woman or if his offensive tackle Marc Colombo stood in for her at the 99.9 KISS Country Chili Cookout in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Either way, it's not attractive. Hopefully, she saved some chili for everyone else. How do you mess this up? Then again, how do you mess this up?



[F-Listed]

Monday, January 26, 2009

Why didn't we have Youtube in high school?

Just think, this guy gives better analysis than a third of the ESPN Gameday crew!

Friday, January 23, 2009

El Borracho's 2009 NFL Mock Draft (#1-10)

The 2009 NFL Draft is only three months away and everyone seems to think they have it figured out. I'm already tired of hearing Mel Kiper's analysis on the draft, so I thought to myself- if he can do it, why can't I? So, I decided to join in on the action. Here is the official HG Halftime Report 2009 NFL Mock Draft. It appears that I don't see it the same way Kiper does but I believe that I have some solid picks. Here are the first ten...

#1.) Detroit Lions: Willie Beaman - QB (Miami Sharks)
After taking over for the injured Jack Rooney, Willie Beaman proved to be a headcase for the Miami Sharks. Beaman caused tension between coaches and teammates, frequently changed the playcall, and even asked out the team owner's daughter. Then, late in the season, Beaman completely turned it around and became the team leader. Coach Tony D'Amato and injured Jack Rooney managed to channel Beaman's energy and convert him into a top-notch QB. The Lions are in desperate need for a playmaking quarterback and I believe that while in Detroit, Willie can "keep the ladies creamin' and the fans' screamin'. He's Willie Beaman..."

#2.) St. Louis Rams: Billy Bob - OT (West Canaan H.S.)
Steve Spagnuolo said in his introductory press conference that he wants to really emphasize the running game. Also, Orlando Pace is still under contract for three more years. I don't know if he'll last that long, but he'll at least be back for 2009. Billy Bob can fill that left side tackle spot alongside Pace next season. Billy Bob suffered a near career ending concussion last season but managed to play through the pain while blocking for all-state quarterback Lance Harbor and then backup Jonathon "Mox" Moxon.

#3.) Kansas City Chiefs: Shane Falco - QB (Washington Sentinels)
After a league-wide strike from contract negotiations sent first string QB Eddie Martel to the house, Falco revived his career that many were considering to be over. Prior to the resurgence, Falco was nicknamed "Footsteps" for his nervousness and fear of the blitz after his lackluster performance in the 1996 Sugar Bowl with Ohio State. But after stepping into the starting role under new coach Jimmy McGinty, Falco led the Sentinels to a championship season. Now that Pioli is in as GM in Kansas City, he needs a fresh face to step in to revive the Chiefs franchise. I think Shane Falco is just the man to do it. I just don't know where he can park that houseboat.

#4.) Seattle Seahawks: Rod Tidwell - WR (Arizona)
There is no doubt in Rod Tidwell's game. He will show you the endzone if you show him the money. This is an easy decision for Seattle right here. Bobby Engram, 36, will be hitting free agency. Deion Branch, who is always hurt, could be a cap casualty. Nate Burleson stinks and is coming off a torn ACL. The rest of the wideouts are terrible. If the Seahawks don't address the position, they can have fun struggling offensively next year. Or, they can just SHOW HIM THE MONEY!

#5.) Cleveland Browns: Earl Meggert - RB (Allenville Penitentiary)
Meggert has the speed and agility to be a franchise back in the NFL. Character issues are the only question mark. With the season that the Browns just had, new head coach Eric Mangini needs to roll the dice and draft this potential playmaker. Look out AFC North, here comes the boom (boom) y'all don't really want it now.


#6.) Cincinnati Bengals: Jimmy Dix - QB (Los Angeles Stallions)
With Carson Palmer's banged up knee, the Cincinnati quarterback situation is up in the air. I think Jimmy Dix is the perfect fit for the Bengals system. Dix has been out of the league on a four year suspension for gambling on his own team but he will be eligible for the 2009 season. After the recent death of his stripper girlfriend, Dix assisted in the investigation and claims that he has turned his life around. Do we believe him? No. He's a troublemaker. But, it's the Bengals. They still have Chris Henry on the roster.

#7.) Oakland Raiders: Becky "Icebox" O'Shea - ATH (Urbania, OH)
Becky O'Shea aka "The Icebox" is one of the few versatile players in this year's draft. She is a perfect fit for Oakland as she is just a hard nosed player with football in her blood. Her father Danny coached her Little Giants Peewee football squad to a win in the championship game over the powerhouse rival Cowboys, coached by Becky's heisman winner uncle, Kevin O'Shea. If Junior Floyd and "Hot Hands" are available later in the draft, could we see the "Annexation of Puerto Rico" in Oakland?

#8.) Jacksonville Jaguars: Bobby Boucher - LB (Louisiana Cougars)
The Jacksonville Jaguars defense is struggling. They were plagued by injury all season long and then came the infamous Mike Peterson/Jack Del Rio drama. Peterson is most likely on his way out, therefore, Boucher is on his way in. I don't see how they could go in any other direction if Boucher is still on the board here. The hard hitting linebacker is a perfect fit for the Del Rio system.

#9.) Green Bay Packers: Boobie Miles - RB (Permian H.S.)
A torn ACL that ended his senior year is the only thing holding Boobie Miles back from being the #1 overall pick of the draft. If he falls to #9, Green Bay will be all over him to compliment the already established passing offense. Miles was considered arrogant and cocky as a youngster but many believe that the injury has sparked Boobie's determination and focus.

#10.) San Francisco 49ers: Ronnie "Sunshine" Bass - QB (T.C. Williams)
The Mike Singletary era in San Fran officially begins in 2009 and what better way to start it off than by bringing in California native Ronnie Bass. Bass has the best arm out of all the movie quarterbacks and he is a pure pocket passer. Surround him with a good offensive line and lookout for a breakout rookie season as "Sunshine" will feel right at home in the Sunshine state.