Sunday, December 28, 2008

How Bout Them Cowboys?

Dallas (or as I say, the Yankees of the NFL) did exactly what we all expected them to do. They went into Philadelphia for the NFC playoff play-in game and bent over backwards for Brian Dawkins and the Eagles' defense. The Eagles didn't even acknowledge the golden courtesy rule of rape (spitting on the hand) before giving it to the 'Boys in a beatdown. I quit watching in the third quarter after Romo's 17th fumble but I believe that the game ended in the 95-3 range. The only positive for Dallas is that Wade Phillips still has a hot daughter. I don't have a lot to report from the game but I would assume that afterwards Jerry Jones fired someone, T.O. said something selfish, and Tony Romo wore a funny hat. Sorry for the lack of news here but I'm running late for the after party at Andy Reid's son's house. Anybody seen my pipe?

You and Me? For My Big Mac?

I decided to take a break from that football game that is on before the "T.O./Tony Romo break-up" press conference to check out this clip of University of Rhode Island's (Go Rams) Jimmy Baron. Baron claims to be undefeated at HORSE. Initially, I called bullshit. Then, I watched this video. Michael, Larry.... that would be H.



My Super Sweet 16!!!

YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN! They said it couldn't be done. They said it was impossible. They said, surely a team can't suck that bad. Well today the 2008 Detroit Lions overcame adversity and silenced the naysayers. A team really can suck that bad. Detroit fell to the Green Bay Favretraders today to cap off the NFL's first ever 0-16 season. 0-16. 0 wins. 16 losses. Imperfection. Bless your little hearts. Our thoughts and prayers are with the city of Detroit. You are now officially on the clock...

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas from the HG Halftime Report. Sorry for the lack of posts this week but we'll be back in full force by the weekend. Now, where did I put that Maker's...

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Horace, I was just getting to know you.

Due to intense pressure from our lawyers, we are already dropping the Horace Grant from our name. I'm not happy about this. But, I guess it is better to do it now than later. The last thing we need is a lawsuit over naming rights on top of this subpoena I just received in regard to those three missing hookers in Bardstown. Anyway, I'll leave you now with nearly two weeks of memories from what we all grew to know and love - The Horace Grant Halftime Report

video

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Holy Shit...

This is a highlight video from Chadron State College. I have no clue where Chadron State College is. Nor do you. But watch it anyway. It's the second highlight of the clip. The receiver gets (in my best T.J. voice) JACKED UP but somehow manages to catch the football before rigor mortis sets in.

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye

The Baltimore Ravens went into Dallas tonight and beat the 'Boys 33-24 in the final game played at Texas Stadium. The Cowboys gave up a late 77 yard TD run to Willis McGahee and then turned around and let LeRon McClain get loose for an 82 yard TD on the very next possession late in the fourth quarter. Tony Romo and Jason Witten learned how to share with others as T.O. and Witten each caught TD's in a late comeback effort but the Cowboys' D could not hold the Ravens' offense on three consecutive downs. Or two. Or even one, for that matter. In fact, the Cowboys defense was about as successful in stopping the run as Mike Tyson is successful in staying in shape. In a day that saw the implosion of the RCA dome, many are calling for Jerry Jones to pull the trigger on the demolition of Texas Stadium with Wade Phillips and the team still inside.

Friday, December 19, 2008

GET OFF MY GOD DAMNED LAWN


The media is abuzz about Clint Eastwood's new film, Gran Torino, which probes racism in a Detroit neighborhood. It's really nice that Hollywood uses the power of film to condense the issue of racism, a convoluted issue that has existed thousands of years, and cover it within a two-hour film. Gran Torino is truly ahead of its time being that it is the only film to tackle the issue. Ever. Well, except for... Hollywood does this every year and usually handles the issue with the delicacy of a gang rape. Racist meets group he/she is uncomfortable with, decides to stop being a bigot and everyone goes home happy. Save your eight dollars.

Psycho T Is Texas Style Ping Pong's All-Time Leading Scorer

Oh wait... it's not Texas Style Ping Pong? Well, that sucks. Apparently, Tyler Hansbrough passed Phil Ford as North Carolina's all-time leading scorer. My bad. I thought he actually accomplished something. Like, most handjobs given to a college athlete by ESPN in one thirty minute tv spot, or world's largest eyes. I apologize for wasting your time.

Assault? Why Jiddou That?

Both stories have leaked on the Andy Kennedy/cabbie altercation and both lead to the same conclusion: Andy Kennedy takes a horrible mugshot. With that being settled, it is now up to the judicial system to decide if any physical or verbal abuse took place. Mohamed Moctar Ould Jiddou, the cabdriver (most likely of Middle Eastern descent, but who am I to assume? Could be Iowa?), claims that Coach Kennedy punched him in the left cheek after calling him "Osama" and "Saddam Huessein." Jiddou says that he refused to transport Kennedy and his staff after the coaches tried to squeeze five into the four passenger vehicle. According to Jiddou (a well-known seatbelt advocate), Kennedy grew angry at the refusal and this led to the opening of the can of whoop ass. Gary Parrish of CBS Sports has the Ole Miss side of the story. You be the judge. Would MMOJ make up such a tall tale? There's no way that he recognized Kennedy as he entered the cab. I couldn't pick Kennedy out of a crowd at an Afrika Bambaataa concert. But, Kennedy has four witnesses, Ole Miss money, and the red, the white, and the blue.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

America! Fuck Yeah!

Ole Miss basketball head coach, Andy Kennedy, was arrested last night in Cincinnati on charges of patriotism. And by patriotism, I mean, punching a cab driver in the face with a closed fist while shouting racial slurs. The burning question of this situation is not a question of motive but a question of what the f*** were you doing in a cab in Cincinnati at 1am the night before your Rebels face Rick Pitino's Louisville Cardinals in the Big East/SEC Challenge. Not cool, Andy. Not cool.

Andy Kennedy arrested for assault (Local 12)

He went to Jared

This news is from earlier in the week but it took me a few days to finish throwing up over the mental images flashing through my head. Shelden Williams, the first Duke University grad with down syndrome, and Candace Parker, the first two-time Women's National Player of the Year with a nine inch penis, are now officially huge married. Also, I am officially sterile. But seriously, The Report wishes the couple a lifetime of happiness together. May your bed be molded with steel, your house full of tough-actin' Tinactin, your lavatory equipped with two urinals, and may your children play in a different little league than mine. Congratulations and God bless.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Brian Giles reached back like a pimp...


I believe that it was the lyrical genius of electronic musicians, Prodigy, that once said, "change my pitch up, smack my bitch up, smack my bitch up, smack my bitch up." And after recent allegations, it appears that the San Diego Padres' Brian Giles took those words to heart. Giles, most notably known for... well... now, beating his pregnant wife, has been accused of just that.

NBC San Diego (unfortunately not Ron Burgundy) has released a nightclub surveillance video of the Padres outfielder grabbing a woman (suspected to be Giles' former girlfriend) by the hair and then later knocking her down with the simple question,' "what did the five fingers say to the face?" The ex-girlfriend (we'll call her Ms. Soontoberich) has now slapped Giles back with a $10 million lawsuit. By the looks of this video, Ms. Soontoberich could win this game of slaps by unanimous decision.

In related news, Giles' current girlfriend, Chanel St. James, has also been caught on tape taking three dicks at one time.

Watch the full surveillance tape courtesy of NBC San Diego HERE

Watch Chanel St. James suck a golf ball through a waterhose HERE

PTI has cornered the market in dumb

Just in case you haven't heard, Mark Teixeria and Manny Ramirez are both free-agents, so expect ESPN to provide thoughtful, fastidious analysis. Or not. Check out this graphic that appeared on the six o' clock edition of Sportscenter.

The image compared the average season since 2005 for both players; immediately after it the guys at PTI were asked for their opinion. By the looks of the graphic, it would appear that Tex and Manny are roughly equivalent in their production. Considering that Tex is 28 years old and can actually play defense he appears to be the more desirable free-agent*. So who did the guys at PTI think was a better choice? Why Manny, of course! It makes perfect sense! And what better a transition into that segment than a graphic that effectively undermines your point.

*Of course Manny could be a better choice depending on the team and the context. But holding everything constant (which is what the graphic on ESPN was doing) Teixeria has numbers comparable to Manny and is younger.

If he dies, he dies


I hate boxing. Look, if you're going to have two men pummel one another with their fists at least have the ring surrounded by fire. However this morning I read that Evander Hollyfield is fighting seven-foot tall Russian Nikolai Valuev in Switzerland this Saturday. Life often imitates art, but fuck me. An aging black fighter going up aganist a massive Russian; don't we all know how this is going to end?

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Kerry Collins got screwed...

The 2009 NFL Pro Bowl lineups were announced today. Unfortunately, everyone's favorite alcoholic, racist quarterback, Kerry Collins, did not make the AFC squad. Rumor has it that Collins was voted on as a reserve but declined the invitation due to a lifetime ban from all 24 major airlines. The AFC backfield will be composed of first-timers Thomas Jones, Chris Johnson, and Ronnie Brown and will be led by Peyton Manning who is making his 71st consecutive trip. For the NFC, T.O. will be getting his popcorn ready at the house as he watches Kurt Warner take the field with his Arizona targets Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald and the power of his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

2009 NFL Pro Bowl Rosters

The Name's White. Stylez G, White.

I'll make it brief. Someone should kick GREG White's ass and someone should do it immediately. The Bucs third year defensive end has officially changed his name to Stylez G. White. Yes, that's right. Stylez G. Not Norman, Edward, Thomas, Eugene, Augustus, or Broseph. But Stylez G. Stylez with a Z. G with a G. I could go on and inform you that the name change was done in order to honor a character from Teen Wolf but I'm sure you would just close this browser and question my journalism. I'll let Fanhouse do the talking...

Greg White, Er, Stylez G. White, May Have Himself a Little Issue With Teen Wolf
(FanHouse)

Useful Shot 'Mate, Useful...

Syracuse managed to lose in ESPY worthy fashion last night against the Flying Fighting Horned Pelicans of Cleveland State. After blowing a 5 point lead with :22 seconds left on the clock, Cleveland State got the ball to senior Cedrick Jackson with two ticks left. Jackson, known for his dislike of the color orange and white shooting guards with tattoos, did what anyone would do in this situation... Sink a buzzer beater from the concession stands in the Carrier Dome as time expired. Did he call bank? Cleveland State 72, Syracuse OWNED

Good start


Should be a great career at Auburn. He hasn't even had the chance to lose to Alabama yet and the AD is already getting heckled for hiring him.  

Monday, December 15, 2008

**UPDATE** MNF Injury Report

In our first up-to-the-minute, news-breaking post, The Report just received two injury updates straight out of ESPN's Bristol headquarters. ESPN's Steve Young and Ron Jaworski WILL dress despite early injury reports. Color commentator Ron Jaworski was upgraded from doubtful to probable after rumors that Jaws would be sidelined due to his raging hardon for the city of Phildelphia, the Eagles, Andy Reid, Donovan McNabb, Brian Westbrook, Desean Jackson, Santa fan, Rocky, cheesesteaks, the Liberty Bell, and Lincoln Financial. However, Jaworski consulted his doctor after the recommended four hours and will be along side Tony Kornheiser and that token black guy for the full game. On the other hand, Steve Young may not be as fortunate. Steve will dress and attempt to stutter and mispronounce names as he has so well in previous weeks but retirement may be on the horizon after suffering his 329th career concussion in Carolina last Monday. Our prayers are with Steve and his family.

Hey Steve, Have This Souvenir Cup! (via Deadspin)

Is it Monday yet? Why, yes. Yes, it is.

The Philadelphia Eagles (7-5-ties?) host the Cleveland Browns (4-9) tonight on ESPN's Monday Night Football in a game that will most likely increase the TV ratings of "WWE Monday Night Raw" and possibly even "I Want A Dog, Charlie Brown" (8:00, ABC). Cleveland looks to make history by being the first team to go 3-0 on MNF with three different starting quarterbacks. On the other hand, the Eagles look to rip off Ken Dorsey's head and shit down his throat. Brian Westbrook is listed as probable (knee/ankle) but is still expected to rush for 19 touchdowns and catch 11. Donovan McNabb is also listed as probable and is expected to wear a brace over his right ankle to ease the pain of black quarterback stereotypes. For Cleveland, look for Braylon Edwards to build on his league leading 16 dropped passes. Jittery hands maybe? 6 Hour Energy Shot anyone?

El Borracho's Projected Score: Cleveland 13, Philadelphia 38

Who Cares?

Wanna smell my fingers? C'mon just smell em'.

Illinois governor Rob Blagojevich has found himself in the troughs of a massive political scandal and nearly everyone is talking about it. Me, not so much. Unless there is a seven-year-old's dick in someone's mouth, color me not interested. Honestly, is there anything that gay, underage sex cannot make interesting? More on the issue to come. But, probably not.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Sam Bradford Hates Jews, Wins Heisman

I am not certian of Sam Bradford's attitude toward the Jewish community. One would assume that like most, Bradford supports anti-semitic activities and traditions. However, one thing is certain, tonight he won the Heisman Memorial Trophy. It is an amazing accomplishment for the Oklahoma quarterback considering the obstacles he overcame to become the 74th recepient of the coveted award. Not only did Bradford beat out everyone's favorite closet homosexual Jesus-hugging quarterback, but he made a storybook comeback to football after a tragic childhood horseback accident left him cross-eyed. In other news, Colt McCoy committed suicide.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

It's a BLOG!


On December 9, 2008 at approximately 11:07 pm, a blog was born. The web will never be the same...