Tuesday, May 12, 2009

BREAKING NEWS: Horace Grant Out For Remainder Of NBA Playoffs

The first step in overcoming addiction is admitting that there is a problem. Unfortunately, it took a second computer crash in two months to realize the severity of this problem but I am now fully aware and I am ready to tackle my addiction. So, as instructed by my accountabili-buddy, I am publicly giving up any and all bukakke video websites and their amateur live-feed videos and online dating affiliates. The status of my one month old harddrive is still undetermined but the problem has been pinpointed and is credited to my online fetish(es). I will do my best to update from random computers (public library, roommates, jail, etc.) until my computer is back up and running. The timing of this couldn't be any worse after just having 3500+ hits in one day but I truly believe, just as the Scots did behind Sir William Wallace at the Battle of Stirling, that we will prevail. Please continue to check back frequently and keep the Horace Grant Halftime Report in your prayers. I will leave you with 8 Great Moments In Cheerleader Tryout Fails and a promise to return as soon as possible. Godspeed, Horace Grant Halftime Report Nation. Godspeed.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Black People Like Chicken

Really? No white people at all? Couldn't the local news thrown in a few actors to seem less racist?

[Observation Bubble]

Monday, April 27, 2009

An Unfair Advantage

Kyle Maynard is a congenital amputee, meaning he has no arms or legs beyond the joints. He is also an MMA fighter. Yes, this is a "holy shit" moment. I'll even repeat it... Kyle Maynard is a mixed martial arts fighter with no arms or legs. Let's continue... Maynard made his MMA debut this past weekend in Auburn, Alabama. Maynard put up a strong fight as he stuck to the ground game where he is much more experienced, as opposed to going toe to toe with his opponent. He barely escaped defeat after avoiding an arm bar early in the first round. In round 2 he landed a few elbows but was later disqualified after the official found plaster in his gloves. The referee then rolled up a newspaper and smacked him on the nose. In other news, I am probably going to hell.

The fight went all three rounds and Maynard lost to Bryan Fry by decision. Fry simply refused to fight and landed just enough to win the punch count. All joking aside, I respect Kyle and admire his determination but we all knew the ending of this one before it began. There is no way he can continue to do this. It is embarassing to the sport. MMA has fought hard to be considered a legit form of competition and this isn't helping the cause at all. With that being said, Kyle, please don't kick my ass.

Carl Edwards Knows How To Wreck

Yeah dat dare Carl Edwards flipped that ol' 99 car right dare at the end of the race. That boy went up yonder near the toppa this fence here and I reckon no one got injuries. Now we mighta lost a Budweiser or two but I reckon thats a small prize to pay to keep alive ya know. I heared that some nice ol lady down in the front where Hal and Darlene used to sit got hurt by a lugnut but we all made it out all fine and dandy over here. Already lookin ford to the Brickyard. I love my NASCAR, boy, I love it. I really do.

Matthew Stafford Got Paid: Your 2009 NFL Draft Recap

Dollar. Dollar. Bills. Y'all.
6 years, 72 million. 6 years, 72 million. 6 years, 72 million. I thought if I said it over and over it would make sense but it is just ridiculous. I wouldn't pay 72 million dollars for Matthew Stafford if his body was stuffed with 73 million dollars worth of pure Columbian cocaine. How in the hell does a guy that has never played a down in the NFL receive a deal with the most guaranteed money in NFL history? 41.7 million in guaranteed money? If I was Stafford, I would find a nice comfortable spot on the pine during the season and then travel the world with the finest Detroit strippers in my learjet made of diamonds and gummy bears during the offseason. Hey Matt, can you front me some cash until I get my check from Cash4Gold.com?

Al Davis Was Drunk.
"With the 7th pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select Michael Crab... Umm I think I picked up the wrong envelope. No, this one says Heyward-Bey. Yes. Yes it does. No, I need Michael Crabtree's, it should be towards the top. You mean they actually picked Darrius Heyward-Bey? You are sure? You are positive? F*ck it.... With the 7th pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select... Darrius Heyward-Bey, wide receiver, Maryland."

"With the 47th pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select Michael Mitchell... oh come on, Al! Seriously?!"

Mike Tannenbaum and Rex Ryan have balls and they were not playing games in the NFL Draft. The Jets' draft success won't be determined until late in the season but they showed up at Radio City Music Hall throwing punches. First, in a questionable move, New York traded up to make sure they got that Mexican guy to be the face of their franchise. Then, they make a move up in the third round to draft Iowa running back Shonn Greene. That'll light a fire under Thomas Jones' ass.

Knowshown Cracked The Top 15

Mel Kiper Jr. Can Suck It
I don't expect anyone to accurately predict the first round of the NFL Draft, but if you are cashing ESPN checks and taking over my television for two months, you better do a lot better than getting 8 selections correct. I think I can blindly pick 8 of 32 in the WNBA Draft. Screw you Mel. You aren't even qualified to tell me what day it is. Todd McShay hit 6 out of 32 but his spray-on tan was just too hilarious so he gets a pass on this one. Kiper, you know better. You have the best job in sports and you just continue to waste our time. I think next year ESPN should just show two months of Knight School or Playmakers leading up to the draft.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Madden 10 Cover Released

Oh wait, that's not it. Here it is...
If you look closely you can almost see Kurt Warner's wife cheering in the background. See her? No? Well anyway, this is the first year that the Madden cover has featured two NFL superstars. I like the idea, especially two players from one of the best Super Bowls ever. However, Polamalu and Fitzgerald wouldn't have been my first pick for a double feature. Unfortunately, the Kurt Warner/Jesus Christ cover was snubbed due to J.C.'s current licensing agreement with Digital Praise Gaming's Captain Bible In Dome Of Darkness and Guitar Praise. Maybe next year...

NCAA Incompetence: Volume 87

Tits. Are. Here. In an attempt to distract fans from the lack of a college football playoff, the NCAA announced that it will consider adding sand volleyball for intercollegiate competition. Wait, what? Sand volleyball?! It's beach volleyball! Why change the fucking name? Look, we get it: Not every game of beach volleyball literally takes place on a beach. Is a blow job really a "blow job"? Does the person giving a blow job try and blow air down your pee hole? Wait, that actually sounds pretty nice. Disregard everything you just read.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Chris Brown Tags In Andrew Bynum

Rumor has it that Los Angeles Lakers center, Andrew Bynum, is now dating that adorable punching bag R&B singer with the GreatClips men's haircut amazing voice. Bynum, fresh off getting paid millions to watch the Lakers make the playoffs without him, has been seen out in L.A. with Rihanna doing boyfriend/girlfriend things...like, trying not to blow his knee for the 11th time in 10 months. I'm going to go ahead and be the first to report that Rihanna (most famous for hit singles "Domestic Disturbia" and "Please Don't Stop A-busing") is just using Bynum to get to Kobe. You heard it here folks. I guess I'll go ahead and report that Chris Brown is a dick too. Yep, that's right, more ground breaking news from the HGHR.

Detroit Lions Unveal New Logo

The Lions are in dire need of a fresh start this year to put the 0-16 season behind them. Hell, they need to put their whole franchise history behind them. This new logo is the future in Detroit. I can definitely see Matt Stafford wearing this.

Crying Black Baby Misses The Horace Grant Halftime Report

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Vitamin Water Sales Down 99.8% In Kentucky

Nope, still not funny to me. I now regret ever buying Vitamin Water or laughing at their commercials. This ad had potential but it lacks the part where Pitino burns Christian Laettner alive at halfcourt in Rupp Arena as he chugs a fifth of Maker's, makes out with Ashley Judd, and then announces his return to Kentucky.

New Yankee Stadium Is Leg Amputee Accessible